There is this great saying here in Brazil, "No final tudo da certo. Se não esta dando certo, você ainda não chegou no final" In English that roughly translates to, "In the end, everything works out. It things aren't working out, you haven't gotten to the end." I'm holding on to this saying like a lifeline right now.
The pain has dulled- actually pretty quickly as these things usually go. Is that a sign of my maturity?
I auditioned 3 months ago to participate in a musical here in Sao Paulo. The idea of the play was to re-create a "Cotton-Club" type club from Harlem in the 30s and mix some elements of the Gafiera dance halls in Brazil during the era of the director youth. It was to feature 2 singers singing Duke Ellington songs in English with a big-band and dancers. For me it was an opportunity not only to learn about acting and being on stage, it also felt like an opportunity to live a little of my history through song. The story of the Harlem Renaissance of which Duke Ellington and the singer I was to play had been a part, is in my blood. My grandmother used to tell us about going to dances at her college where Duke Ellington's Orchestra played for them. Being in the play was a chance to honor a part of my heritage and I was so excited and honored to have the chance to do this.
I was to have no speaking parts. I would just sing. As far as I know, I'm the only Black American Jazz singer legally living and working in Sao Paulo. It kind of made sense for me to play the part... well it made to me and to the musical director, but the director of the musical wasn't feeling it. In the final audition I was cut in favor of a Brazilian pop singer who seemed a better match to play a Black American Jazz singer, than I. Tears and anger and disappointment and doubts. The creation of this blog on failure. Then life went on. New opportunities came- one of them being a chance to record a CD.
What comes around comes around again. Two months in, the singer chosen over me decides to leave the musical because she's offered a part in a better musical. Musical director talks to the director, they invite me to join the cast. Rehearse for 2 weeks. You will need to walk like this, sing like this, be like THIS. It's not enough to be a Black American Jazz Singer playing the roll of a Black American Jazz Singer. You've got to be the kind of Black American Jazz Singer that the audience wants to see... in other words, you need to be a Black American R&B singer- Beyonce like- singing Duke Ellington Swing in a 60s Aretha Franklin style. Hummmmmm... well... OK.
Not.
Today, the producer's assistant informed me that they have another Brazilian singer who is more like what they need a Black American Jazz Singer to be for the musical. My services will no longer be required.
More anger. More frustration. Disbelief. More tears.
Then chocolate.
I decided to medicate with my favorite drug... FOOD.
Called up my friend Clara who was up for chowing down while I spewed my venom over the decision of the production team. Galeria dos Paes has an all you can eat buffet starting at 4pm. I'm sooooooo there!
I ate chicken soup (kind of given up vegetarianism, y'all. If you're gonna use food as your drug of choice you gotta include some meat in there sometimes), a coxinha ( a tear drop shaped dollop of Bisquick type dough with shredded chicken inside, rolled in breadcrumbs and fried), cheese bread, brioche with butter and jelly, cocoa puffs mixed with chocolate rice crispies, lemon cake, chocolate cake, hot chocolate laced with ovaltine and powerded capuccino, rice pudding, ambrosia, more rice crispies and cocoa puffs and then some coffee.
I was sooooo bad. It felt soooooo good!! I felt empowered! I felt justified! I'd deal with the consequences later.
My belly is distended and you wouldn't want to be sitting in this room with me right now, but I feel much better. Fried and sugar-filled processed foods along with some good conversations brought me insight. And that insight is bringing me some peace. In time, I think, will come understanding.
There are points in every life when you are walking a road that you feel is just the best thing ever. You are so sure it's right for you. It's everything you wished for and more. You feel you deserve to be walking there. You've earned it. You're so worth it. You'll benefit from all you can and will learn along this path. And you'll enjoy it to boot! Then comes this damn fork in the road. And really more than a fork; it's really a detour because you don't have a choice. You're gonna turn here. Don't pass Go. Don't collect 200 dollars. It feels like a "Straight to Jail" card, doesn't it?
And you wonder why? Because you deserved the happiness on the road you were on, damn it. It was nice there. It was all that you dreamt of. You didn't want to take a detour. None of it makes sense. None of it feels good.
The microcosm that I know as my life, is really just a small part of the macrocosm which includes the lives of all of us. And though we're each as unique a snowflake, we are all alike as snow. Each life reflects itself through another. A dear friend just lost a baby due to be born in a month. One morning the fetus' heart stopped beating. There was no explanation. There was no reason. There was no justice. It just is. A fork in her road. A detour she didn't choose; that life imposed.
Many of us are running head on into some detours in our life during these times. Some are bigger and some are smaller in scheme of things. But they all represent definitive changes in the course of our lives. They all represent death in their own way. They represent the loss of hopes and dreams be they big or small. They are, for the most part, things we would not have chosen from our human perspectives (for our spirit-selves surely see a wider perspective then we can humanly understand.) And so the question, how do we go on?
We cry, we kick and scream? We curse the heavens and God, if HE/SHE exists to us anymore? We sink into the mire of injustice, self-pity, self-righteousness and beat ourselves and other up? We eat fried and sugary things that we know will make our belly ache and punish our bodies, but bring temporary relief? We stop eating or enjoying any sensory pleasure at all? Or we use other legal/illegal dullers of pain? We try to make sense of things and fail? We forget what happiness feels like? We curl into a ball and hope we'll disappear? We break things and create chaos so that everyone will know we exist in our pain? We do all these things and whatever else we need to do to move through the pain, the muck and the mire. And in time, we do move through it. We don't come out the other end the way we went in. We've been indelibly marked in ways obvious or not on our way though.
We ask for patience. We hope that with patience, in time, our hope will be restored. And if our hope is restored then we might notice some things in the landscape as we walk this new path. With our eyes super-sensitive to the light (because they had adjusted to the darkness we felt engulfed in) the smallest things catch out attention- their colors and forms bright and so present it almost hurts to look. In time, our eyes will adjust and we'll notice more details along the road- a flower here... blue sky there... Our perspective will widen as we take in more and more along this new path and we'll even see some beautiful things. Maybe with enough time we'll be able to understand why this detour came. Or maybe it will remain unknowable to our human comprehension. But, when we can accept that this new path is the right where we are supposed to be, we'll be able to feel joy again. No matter how long that takes, we WILL feel joy again.
My detour is no where as big as my dear friend's. My tears have passed. My belly is receding. People who have a clearer perspective on my current events have shared it with me and I'm expanding my perspective. I'm still a bit sore, but I'm ok with where I am. I don't know where I'll go from here. There is no choice to turn back the way I've just come. Life just doesn't offer that option. But I have a choice to be where I am and see the opportunity in this moment. And that's what I'm trying to do. This is a new road. I want to believe that this detour came because the other road wasn't going to bring me as much richness in life as this new one will. Souls see riches in a different way, you know. I wanted to go that other way, but I needed to go this way. The GPS of life with its connections to sources much wiser than I, has chosen a route that's a better option in the long run. I'm gonna go with that. That's what I'm chosing to believe. And what I believe is what becomes my truth. The rest will work itself out.
I would love to hear your comments as always.....
And please send your prayers and love to my dear friend, her boyfriend and their baby in heaven. I don't want to mention her name here as I haven't asked her permission, but even without knowing her name, if you send your prayers and love, the Universe know exactly where to send them.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
What the people have said.
Hey Folks!
Sorry it's taken so long to do my second post. Being a Virgo, I was waiting for the perfect time to write it. After a month, I've finally realized that the perfect time is when there is time to write!
I want to thank everyone for supporting my public admission of failure and reminding me of all the things I've done that have been successful. You guys are amazing!!! I've had the most wonderful conversations, gotten back in touch with old friends and heard a lot of similar stories. I think the word "failure" has been re-appropriated for our purposes here on the blog. I no longer feel like it's a negative thing. I'll write more on that later, but now I'd like to share some of what was offered to me in e-mails/facebook, etc...
If you want to share your own feelings/opinions for our little community to read, please feel free to add a comment. How do you feel about failure? Are you a failure? (in whatever way you choose to interpret the word.) What do you have to say about that? I won't be editing anything. This is a free forum.
By the way, if you haven't read the first post which these comments are referring to, click on "The Sweet Fruits of my Frustration" in the column just to the right.
From DP.:
"Interesting reading your blog... but I have a point to make that has nothing to do with the male or female power paradigm.
I think what you are really saying is, "I don't make enough money."
That doesn't mean you're a failure, just means that singing - which you love - doesn't pay the bills. Only way round that is to get a day job as well, nothing something you maybe don't like quite as much.
I think this concept that not earning enough money constitutes failure is actually a luxury. In much of the world's poorer places, failure to make enough money (or grow enough food or whatever) signifies poverty, destitution, possibly death.
Of course there is the other side - being single and childless at 40 (or in my case, 45) - an increasingly common situation across the world ironized in hit movies like Bridget Jones and Sex and the City. Interesting thing here is that only women-driven (or marketed) movies/series/books like these are addressing the subject. Men, so far, have yet to respond in any way.
Let's catch up soon anyway and good luck with the blog, it's taken a lot of nerve"
From Lisa E.:
"Dearest, I commend you for your self-reflective critical thinking. But the failure word, it´s a harsh one and in your case especially I think should be bracketed with big quotation marks. You don´t have a fat bank account, you do have some debts. True. Do you have a shrewd capitalistic sense? Maybe not so much. But you are very accomplished in so many other ways. You started as a singer very, very recently and you already have landed regular paying gigs. That is impressive. You have a radio program. You are bilingual, well-traveled, sophisticated, gentle, good-hearted, idealistic.
I wrote a small post on your blog this morning but looked at the page again just now and it seems to have disappeared. Oh well. Apparently I am a failure at making blog posts!"
From Fatai A:
"All you need is a hug from me :-)"
From Vida L:
"Hello my sister!
Thanks for reaching out and sharing. I just finished reading your blog post. I wish we were together right now so I could just sit and talk with you for hours. I understand where you're at. I'm there too and have learned so much. The biggest thing I learned was to let go of all expectations. Easier said than done but quite easy once you really understand what it means. I'm in the process of redoing my life. I had to do it out of pure necessity at first and now I'm at a completely different place in my journey."
From my cousin Kim Sanders
The first and main thing I want to say, dear cuz is “Be good to yourself. Be patient with yourself”. Simple words, huh? Hard to do though. Someone told me this when I was beating myself up because I thought I was taking too long to grieve mom’s passing; I couldn’t understand why for a period I would seem fine and then it would start over again as fresh as before. I didn’t realize that this is the way grief works. So at one point I remembered her words and cut myself some slack. I pass them on to you.
When I saw your title I was a bit distressed, because YOU, my love, are no failure. I don’t think there is anyone living who hasn’t at some time felt the same as you: whether by circumstances, lack of drive or whatever. The feeling of failure comes to us all. That’s okay, what’s important is what are you going to do with that feeling? If I know you, you’ll use it as a spur to “damn it” fight harder for what you want. Maybe “success” won’t look as you envision it now, maybe it will, but one thing for sure – it will help you focus on what you want and what you want to pay for it. Perhaps this feeling is harder or more acute when one isn’t in one’s homeland. I’ve always said when I was living in England that it was the happiest time of my life and also one of the lowest points of my life. I was determined when I went there to become one of the greatest directors that Theatre had ever known. I would have to build a room to house all the Tonys I would win (insert chuckle here)! Well, what DID happen was that the British Government told me I had to leave because I didn’t have anything special to offer that would justify taking a job away from a British citizen. I was crushed! And mad!! And despondent!!! To a level I hate to think about. But do you know what I found in that “failure”? Family and friends who loved me, were glad to see me and happy that I was back in the States.
Don’t measure yourself by Society’s slide rule. The people doing the measuring don’t know what they want either. Believe me, everyone is searching, if not, there wouldn’t be so many gurus and pseudo-gurus and people more than happy to throw money at them. You know Jen, one evening a friend and I were comparing notes. We’ve known each other since we were 15. She seemed to have everything I wanted; a career she enjoyed, a marriage and a child. I discovered she wanted what I had – world travel, friends from all over the world, the knowledge that she could survive and thrive in another culture not her own and the confidence she saw in me. We both laughed when we discovered we were a little envious of each other’s lives and realized you really can’t have everything. Not even if you’re rich, because I’d be willing to bet there’s something they are searching for too.
You point at the fact that you’re 40 and don’t have the things/people Society says you should. I look at you from 52 and say I don’t have some of them either. And some of them I may not get, but as I go along I look at what I do have and the scales aren’t as disappointing as they were. I, like the majority of the world am scraping for every penny I make and some month’s still come up short. And it’s scary. But, I’ve learned to juggle finances and I bet you have too. I’ve started a new business of making decoupage items, photo memory quilts and handbags. This is a side line and I’m finding my way, with many starts and stops, but it’s so exciting and although I am far, far from where I want to be with it, I have that dream in the future of it being a success and that boosts me on. Is that what drives you when you sing? Don’t lose your creative soul, cuz, it’s invaluable. The other thing is the side business I’m doing has opened my soul to my writing again, so I’m working on my children’s stories. A passion I feared I’d lost when Mom died.
Ultimately, Jen, I guess what I’m saying is: be kind and gentle with yourself. What advice would you give a friend if she came to you with your doubts, worries and fears? Success doesn’t come easy for most people. And when it does sometimes there’s a bitter bill to pay – look at Michael Jackson. And if you need to take a couple of steps back to move ahead a different way, be open and willing to acknowledge you may need to do that.
I’m not speaking as someone who has all the answers, Lord knows I don’t. But, I’ve been down that road, still traveling it, as most of us are. I just have some experience under my belt and I willingly share it with you.
Much, much love cuz,
Kim
P.S. Can you feel my hug?
From Vanidevi
what i wanted to say is that the first thing that came into my mind when i read your blog was that there are too many choices in our life....for some people it is a positive aspect: they can easily change/adopt and switch to new situations, or they can easily take decisions. but for others (and i am one of those) it takes a lot of energy to stay focused on oneself, on our dreams. too many choices can lead to distraction and not everyone can handle this.
when i lose sight of my dream/goal or focus i withdraw myself, get tuned with my inner voice, meditate.
and i must admit that a pragmatic approach always helped me (with a dash of humour). when i lose my sense of humour, i really know that i am in deep trouble ;-)
From Annette
Hi Lady,
WOW is the word for your blog. I have been in the very same space and came to pretty much the same conclusion. I am in so icredibly frustrated and as I was reading your blog I felt your were saying all the things I have been feeling.
Sorry it's taken so long to do my second post. Being a Virgo, I was waiting for the perfect time to write it. After a month, I've finally realized that the perfect time is when there is time to write!
I want to thank everyone for supporting my public admission of failure and reminding me of all the things I've done that have been successful. You guys are amazing!!! I've had the most wonderful conversations, gotten back in touch with old friends and heard a lot of similar stories. I think the word "failure" has been re-appropriated for our purposes here on the blog. I no longer feel like it's a negative thing. I'll write more on that later, but now I'd like to share some of what was offered to me in e-mails/facebook, etc...
If you want to share your own feelings/opinions for our little community to read, please feel free to add a comment. How do you feel about failure? Are you a failure? (in whatever way you choose to interpret the word.) What do you have to say about that? I won't be editing anything. This is a free forum.
By the way, if you haven't read the first post which these comments are referring to, click on "The Sweet Fruits of my Frustration" in the column just to the right.
From DP.:
"Interesting reading your blog... but I have a point to make that has nothing to do with the male or female power paradigm.
I think what you are really saying is, "I don't make enough money."
That doesn't mean you're a failure, just means that singing - which you love - doesn't pay the bills. Only way round that is to get a day job as well, nothing something you maybe don't like quite as much.
I think this concept that not earning enough money constitutes failure is actually a luxury. In much of the world's poorer places, failure to make enough money (or grow enough food or whatever) signifies poverty, destitution, possibly death.
Of course there is the other side - being single and childless at 40 (or in my case, 45) - an increasingly common situation across the world ironized in hit movies like Bridget Jones and Sex and the City. Interesting thing here is that only women-driven (or marketed) movies/series/books like these are addressing the subject. Men, so far, have yet to respond in any way.
Let's catch up soon anyway and good luck with the blog, it's taken a lot of nerve"
From Lisa E.:
"Dearest, I commend you for your self-reflective critical thinking. But the failure word, it´s a harsh one and in your case especially I think should be bracketed with big quotation marks. You don´t have a fat bank account, you do have some debts. True. Do you have a shrewd capitalistic sense? Maybe not so much. But you are very accomplished in so many other ways. You started as a singer very, very recently and you already have landed regular paying gigs. That is impressive. You have a radio program. You are bilingual, well-traveled, sophisticated, gentle, good-hearted, idealistic.
I wrote a small post on your blog this morning but looked at the page again just now and it seems to have disappeared. Oh well. Apparently I am a failure at making blog posts!"
From Fatai A:
"All you need is a hug from me :-)"
From Vida L:
"Hello my sister!
Thanks for reaching out and sharing. I just finished reading your blog post. I wish we were together right now so I could just sit and talk with you for hours. I understand where you're at. I'm there too and have learned so much. The biggest thing I learned was to let go of all expectations. Easier said than done but quite easy once you really understand what it means. I'm in the process of redoing my life. I had to do it out of pure necessity at first and now I'm at a completely different place in my journey."
From my cousin Kim Sanders
The first and main thing I want to say, dear cuz is “Be good to yourself. Be patient with yourself”. Simple words, huh? Hard to do though. Someone told me this when I was beating myself up because I thought I was taking too long to grieve mom’s passing; I couldn’t understand why for a period I would seem fine and then it would start over again as fresh as before. I didn’t realize that this is the way grief works. So at one point I remembered her words and cut myself some slack. I pass them on to you.
When I saw your title I was a bit distressed, because YOU, my love, are no failure. I don’t think there is anyone living who hasn’t at some time felt the same as you: whether by circumstances, lack of drive or whatever. The feeling of failure comes to us all. That’s okay, what’s important is what are you going to do with that feeling? If I know you, you’ll use it as a spur to “damn it” fight harder for what you want. Maybe “success” won’t look as you envision it now, maybe it will, but one thing for sure – it will help you focus on what you want and what you want to pay for it. Perhaps this feeling is harder or more acute when one isn’t in one’s homeland. I’ve always said when I was living in England that it was the happiest time of my life and also one of the lowest points of my life. I was determined when I went there to become one of the greatest directors that Theatre had ever known. I would have to build a room to house all the Tonys I would win (insert chuckle here)! Well, what DID happen was that the British Government told me I had to leave because I didn’t have anything special to offer that would justify taking a job away from a British citizen. I was crushed! And mad!! And despondent!!! To a level I hate to think about. But do you know what I found in that “failure”? Family and friends who loved me, were glad to see me and happy that I was back in the States.
Don’t measure yourself by Society’s slide rule. The people doing the measuring don’t know what they want either. Believe me, everyone is searching, if not, there wouldn’t be so many gurus and pseudo-gurus and people more than happy to throw money at them. You know Jen, one evening a friend and I were comparing notes. We’ve known each other since we were 15. She seemed to have everything I wanted; a career she enjoyed, a marriage and a child. I discovered she wanted what I had – world travel, friends from all over the world, the knowledge that she could survive and thrive in another culture not her own and the confidence she saw in me. We both laughed when we discovered we were a little envious of each other’s lives and realized you really can’t have everything. Not even if you’re rich, because I’d be willing to bet there’s something they are searching for too.
You point at the fact that you’re 40 and don’t have the things/people Society says you should. I look at you from 52 and say I don’t have some of them either. And some of them I may not get, but as I go along I look at what I do have and the scales aren’t as disappointing as they were. I, like the majority of the world am scraping for every penny I make and some month’s still come up short. And it’s scary. But, I’ve learned to juggle finances and I bet you have too. I’ve started a new business of making decoupage items, photo memory quilts and handbags. This is a side line and I’m finding my way, with many starts and stops, but it’s so exciting and although I am far, far from where I want to be with it, I have that dream in the future of it being a success and that boosts me on. Is that what drives you when you sing? Don’t lose your creative soul, cuz, it’s invaluable. The other thing is the side business I’m doing has opened my soul to my writing again, so I’m working on my children’s stories. A passion I feared I’d lost when Mom died.
Ultimately, Jen, I guess what I’m saying is: be kind and gentle with yourself. What advice would you give a friend if she came to you with your doubts, worries and fears? Success doesn’t come easy for most people. And when it does sometimes there’s a bitter bill to pay – look at Michael Jackson. And if you need to take a couple of steps back to move ahead a different way, be open and willing to acknowledge you may need to do that.
I’m not speaking as someone who has all the answers, Lord knows I don’t. But, I’ve been down that road, still traveling it, as most of us are. I just have some experience under my belt and I willingly share it with you.
Much, much love cuz,
Kim
P.S. Can you feel my hug?
From Vanidevi
what i wanted to say is that the first thing that came into my mind when i read your blog was that there are too many choices in our life....for some people it is a positive aspect: they can easily change/adopt and switch to new situations, or they can easily take decisions. but for others (and i am one of those) it takes a lot of energy to stay focused on oneself, on our dreams. too many choices can lead to distraction and not everyone can handle this.
when i lose sight of my dream/goal or focus i withdraw myself, get tuned with my inner voice, meditate.
and i must admit that a pragmatic approach always helped me (with a dash of humour). when i lose my sense of humour, i really know that i am in deep trouble ;-)
From Annette
Hi Lady,
WOW is the word for your blog. I have been in the very same space and came to pretty much the same conclusion. I am in so icredibly frustrated and as I was reading your blog I felt your were saying all the things I have been feeling.
From Bo
Hey,
I just checked your blog - thanks!!!! for writing that stuff. I found it at a moment where it encaixou with a bunch of other stuff that I've been thinking about, reading, movies I watched, etc.
a friend just sent me this:
pretty interesting. then, I watched a semi-okay movie last night called "remember me" about a young fiery kid who falls in love with a girl, a fathers who have difficulty in expressing their feelings, and stuff that happens to rock their worlds and shake them out of their stuppor and onto realizing what's really important in their lives. the protagonist repeats a couple times in the movie that Gandhi once said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it.
-------
anyway, my gigs have been a bit of a challenge, which is connected to your post on your blog - it doesn't matter if people like what I do or if I'm "successful" .....it matters if I feel right about it. And, I do....but, not always. There are the gigs where the sound system is shit or there are people making requests and don't have any idea of what I'm doing or even that the majority of the music I play is my own production or that there is a story behind it. I feel strange about my music and work being "consumed" and discarded. I feel disillusioned by the hype. the hype that is really a form of stress that is itself dis-ease. And, the world is rampant with it right now. I need to look for a way to detach myself from that and just concentrate on my work. I'm not yet sure how, but I know that MY success - the results and actions and consequences that promote contentedness and ease - is not dependent on this hype. It is dependent on me being cool with the process and doing for the process. Because, really, in the end, it's of no consequence in the whole scheme of things. That's okay. I know you know what I'm talking about - you've said it in your post. So, we have to identify the things that promote health and well being and do those things. Simplify and focus and look for the answer from within, cause it's their and we all have access to it. But, to get there, you gotta dig. And, you gotta dig deep. And, that's the fun part. ;-) A friend of mine told me while I was going through all the shit with my visa and almost losing my apartment and everything that she loves those moments because they are signs that a personal revolution is happening. Stripping away what's not needed until what is essential remains. so, yeah, it's all about the search for the essential.
well, anyway, that's the short of the long of it. you got me thinking and I wanted to just share a few thoughts with you.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Sweet Fruits of Frustration
An Act of Courage in an Admission of Failure:
I don’t know how to live successfully within the current western societal paradigm of success. You know… by 40 your supposed to be married, have several cars and homes, a certain value in your bank account, a career of stature, some kids- material and social stability. I don’t have any of that. That’s fine. I’ve done as much running up that hill, as I am willing do. I’m not afraid to admit it. I’ve failed. I’m done. Now, what’s next?
An Act of Resistance as Surrender:
I have no idea what comes next. I don’t know what more to do. Actually, I think that “doing” is what got me here You see, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life. I earn money, then create debt. I earn more money and then create more debt. I’m not going into debt acquiring those things that are supposed to make me successful. Actually my biggest debts have come from starting a business and moving. Like now- I just moved from living alone in my one-bedroom apartment to a house that I share with 4 other adults and 3 dogs. Before the move things were tight, but I was eating well, taking yoga and Pilates classes, guitar lessons, had a savings account and occasionally I bought some clothes and shoes. Post move, gone are the classes and I’m charging groceries on my credit card, which is fast approaching its limit. Hummmm. Wasn’t moving supposed to save me money? Didn’t work that way. Ah, I brought me along with the move. So, there’s something that I am “doing” that is not working, because I’m the only factor in the equation that has not changed.
Since I don’t know what it is that I’m doing wrong, I’m surrendering. I suspend action. Because in a quick review of my life- and I’m above average on the risk-taking scale- I find that I’ve never made a lot of money by working a lot. In fact, I worked 16 hours a day when I had one of my now failed businesses, and I got into more debt. But I didn’t have to “do” anything to find 200 dollars next to me on a bus seat one sunny afternoon returning from the beach (because hanging out at the beach is pretty much free and it feels good.) And I certainly didn’t do anything when I was overpaid at work last Christmas. Apparently no one wanted to admit they had “done” anything either, so I enjoyed an extra 500 dollars for the New Year. I recently lost out on a job I was working really hard to get as a direct result of losing that job, I was invited to record a CD (what is what I REALLY wanted anyhow.) All I had to “do” was take the offer. I’m utter unconvinced that “doing” anything is going to improve my situation. So, no more random “doing” until I understand what’s going on.
An Act of Vulnerability as Strength:
Yea, this is a damn vulnerable place to be at the moment. Because I don’t understand what’s going on at all. I feel like a bit of a freak- like I should just go out and scrub someone’s floors and suck it up like 95% of the world population that has much less material means than I. But at the same time, I think that just admitting that I don’t understand how I’ve gotten here is the smartest thing I’ve done in a while. I’m going to just be in this place of not knowing what comes next. I'm going to be vulnerable, show my soft side, my inability, and my ignorance. No point in trying to mask the truth and pretend. This is an ending. I wish to let it be just that. Die old ways. Die old life. Die and burn. I think the ashes can be of use for growing a tree. It’s gonna be a tree of dreams.
I Claim Failure and Baptize it Success!
Because if we’ve failed at one thing, it just means that we’re preparing ourselves to be really successful at another, right? And looking at things that way, I’m actually grateful that I woke up in tears this morning with the weight of my world of debt on my shoulders. Grateful because out of those very uncomfortable feelings, came a steadfast resolve to make something good of this. And I’d like to share some of my ideas with you. They might seem radical, but would you admit that what is normal and accepted is not working for me, for you or for the world at the moment? (See: BP Oil Spill, financial crisis, bankrupt financial institutions, foreclosures, record unemployment in the US, genocide and wars mostly over control of resources, increasing levels of debt even in countries where economies are growing, etc.) I won’t get into all of my personal beliefs about the larger transformations at hand as we are evolving consciously and spiritually as a species, as a planet, as a universe and galaxy, dimensional shifts, 2012, etc. There are lots of great sites on the web with much better information that I could even attempt to disseminate here. Instead, I’d like to use this blog to talk about some ideas I have on supporting each other through our failures and into our success. It’s not going to be like anything we’ve done before. We won’t be anything like we’ve been before. And, I feel like we’re going to really need to create community to get to where we all want to go- to our dreams, right?
A New Paradigm for Success
I was listening to a great seminar by Katherine Woodard Thomas and Claire Zammit last night via Skype. It’s part of the Feminine Power work that they are doing through courses, blogs, teleseminars and Facebook. Please don’t close the page, male readers. You too are part of the Feminine Power paradigm and it has nothing to do with your sexuality. Anyhow, they’ve got some really great ideas on why so many of us are “failing” (though they used more positive language) and frustrated. These ideas made sense to me. Maybe they will to you. And if you’d like to know more about their work, check out their sites:
http://femininepower.com/teleseminar/index.php
http://femininepower.com/blog/
We who claim failure are not slouches. We’re actually pretty powerful people. We’ve studied, we take risks, we’ve done a lot of work on ourselves, we work hard. We’re passionate about what we do, most of the time. Within the rules that were taught to us, we’ve done our best to construct full and successful lives. But many of us have not attained that goal. Some of us have attained that goal, but still feel frustrated, like there is something missing. And many of us feel unsupported- like there is just too much we have to do alone in order to get “there” (where?) And I, for one, am tired. Are you? I thought so.
“Just hold on, be patient”, is not an option for me, if it means more of this. I do not feel that my existence on the planet is an accident or random or inconsequential by any means. I bet you feel the same way about your existence. I came here to with a mission and purpose. It has nothing to do with how much money I’ll make or the status I’ll acquire. I’m a singer and I sing because I have to. It’s part of who I am. I proved that by doing everything except singing as a career for the past 2 decades. Then four years ago, I gave up. No more energy to run from my destiny, as unrealistic an unattainable as it seemed to be. And a funny thing happened. As soon as I started singing- all the doors opened. I am a singer. I sing for my supper and I’m not giving that up- ever. And it’s a good thing, because singing is something I really love to do. It comes like breathing. It is life for me in that way. And I know that singing is tied integrally to the reason why I’m on this planet. I do not believe that Divine Intelligence makes mistakes, nor that it randomly distributes talent without purpose. And that being, my dreams are mostly, integrally tied to singing and to my voice being of service to humanity and the evolution of our planet, species, universe, etc. What I’m getting at here is that I feel that the work I do is tied to a purpose that is bigger than me. In some way, my work is going to contribute something important, something loving, something beautiful, something necessary and something unique to this world. And I’ll be damned if I go to my grave without doing it. Don’t you feel the same way?
Well that’s what they were talking about in the teleseminar last night. There are oodles of us feeling this way. They spoke for the women, but I know there are men out there who are feeling just as frustrated and unsupported. And they suggested that we’ve reached the limits of where the current power structure and power paradigm can take us. That structure has been predominately masculine since the dawn of this recorded history (Sumer- about 5000 B.C. That’s enough time.) What does a masculine structure look like? It’s mostly action-oriented. It’s very much about the individual. It’s about doing and making things happen. It’s very polarized ie: for me to have, you can’t have, etc. I’m not male bashing here. We live in a universe of opposites, a universe of duality (this time around) up and down, light and dark. We use these polarities to define ourselves and all that we experience. It’s just how we understand things to be at this level of consciousness and within this paradigm. So, what if we swing things more towards the feminine? What does that look like? Well, within a male paradigm, it looks a little like failure. Feminine power is not so much about doing, acquiring, go out and hunt down the wooly mammoth and bring it back for dinner. Feminine power is more about the receiving, the allowing, attracting what we desire to us and then waiting... That’s not so easy – even for women. We don’t really know how to control things from that space. Good thing, because control doesn’t really exist. We just like to think it does… makes us feel less nervous.
What the !$*%(@)*@ ?
Sorry if this is sounding really radical, but remember what has always worked for us isn’t working anymore. We’re trailblazers. We’ve got to get O.K. with the unlikely and with the unknown. And therein another point that Katherine and Claire made. We mostly don’t know what it looks like to be in this new power paradigm. Who will we be? How will we be? It’s not a part of our current identity. It’s not part of who we see ourselves to be. Ah, ha! Walk with me here.. Here's an example from my life that you can identify with, maybe.
One of my dreams is to travel and live all over the world like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (I only want 4 kids though.) I really, really feel this dream is part of fulfilling my purpose on the planet. But I can’t see how I can make that happen in the rather small life I’m living at the moment. And my actions show that I identify with the small. Like tonight- I’ll take the bus to work and back, though that will require me to be on the streets of Sao Paulo, alone, at 3am. This is clearly not one of my best moves. Would Brad and Angelina be on a bus anywhere at 3 am? I bet it never entered their minds. But I am scared to pay for a taxi. What if I need that money for food tomorrow? Just writing this makes me cringe, but it’s a good example of something that many of us do. We don’t identify with the person we must to be in order to realize our dreams.
We cannot be, have, or do or more than we identify with. Can you imagine killing someone? No? That’s because it’s not part of your identity. And because of that, you probably couldn’t/wouldn’t even know what actions to take in order to kill someone. You’d do it all wrong. You’d get caught by the police or a security guard. Do you get where I’m heading here?
Failure’s Call
Failure is calling us to redefine ourselves. Failure calls us to let go of all definitions of self and be limitless, without boundaries. The place where our dreams call us is a place we can’t get to by the roads we already know. In fact, the roads to our dreams haven’t been built yet. The vehicles we want to use to get there are too slow. Even a Porsche is too slow. We’re going to have to build new vehicles, too. Failure is calling us to create a new language that will better express the poetry that we have to speak. Failure is calling us to grow wings so that we can move faster than our feet could ever carry us. Failure is calling us to access knowledge that is beyond what we know or understand consciously. And because most of us have no idea how to do or be any of this yet, doesn’t it make sense to come together and work on this collectively?
A Community of Failures
This is delicious effort we are being called forth to exert. This is about discovery, awakening, growing; there is no more failure in this place. And we won’t do it alone. We’ve mostly been trying to do everything alone and that’s another reason we’ve failed. We were never meant to do it alone. Would you imagine building a bridge alone? Is each or our individual lives any less grand a project? So, why do we try to do so much alone? That’s about to change.
What does community mean to you? I’m not sure what it means to me yet. I just moved out of a one bedroom apt. into a house with 7 other beings. That’s been a big stretch for me. I’m learning how to communicate at a whole different level. I don’t get to do everything my way or when I want to. Some things I don’t get to do at all. But then for some things I’ve got other people there to help me. If I ask. It’s hard for me to ask, but I’m learning. And I’m also learning it’s ok to say, “I don’t like this”, “This doesn’t feel good”, “I don’t agree”, “I’m scared”, “I don’t know how to do this, do you?” I think these things are all part of being in community. What was just about you isn’t just about you anymore. And on the other side of the coin, everyone is you. They’re going through the same things, perhaps in different ways. They are a mirror for you- they are showing you parts of your self that you couldn’t see objectively without them.
We form community in many ways now. I hope this blog will become a type of community. The house where I live is a community. My many dear friends who live all over the globe are my community too. Maybe community starts through little actions like giving a friend a ride, cooking together, crying on a friend’s shoulder, listening to someone tell you about their dreams or their failures. I don’t really know. Maybe you do.
I think it’s less important how we define community and more important that we allow ourselves to create them. And that within community, we allow ourselves to ask for help, to admit we don’t know, to authentically express what we feel and need. Within our communities we can surrender our beliefs and parts of our identity that are not bringing us success. We can be naked and vulnerable once we’ve let them go. And we can open ourselves to new beliefs and identities. Somehow through as a result of this, I think we’re going to grow those wings we’ll be needing.
The Road Ahead
Failure has brought us to a dead-end on this road. The road ahead hasn’t been laid yet. And that’s a good thing, because that means we can make the road ourselves. We can pave it with love, laughter, joy, support and caring. We can use our collective intelligence, power and being to lay the flagstones. We can build it to take us where we want to go- we decide! It doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to be a struggle. It doesn’t even have to be different from the roads we’ve already walked… except that we already know that we don’t want to go where those roads lead. So, let’s make our road different. Let’s make it different from any road we have ever seen before. Let’s make it the road to our dreams.
I’m a failure. You’re a failure. What now? You tell me….
Looking forward to hearing from you!
I don’t know how to live successfully within the current western societal paradigm of success. You know… by 40 your supposed to be married, have several cars and homes, a certain value in your bank account, a career of stature, some kids- material and social stability. I don’t have any of that. That’s fine. I’ve done as much running up that hill, as I am willing do. I’m not afraid to admit it. I’ve failed. I’m done. Now, what’s next?
An Act of Resistance as Surrender:
I have no idea what comes next. I don’t know what more to do. Actually, I think that “doing” is what got me here You see, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life. I earn money, then create debt. I earn more money and then create more debt. I’m not going into debt acquiring those things that are supposed to make me successful. Actually my biggest debts have come from starting a business and moving. Like now- I just moved from living alone in my one-bedroom apartment to a house that I share with 4 other adults and 3 dogs. Before the move things were tight, but I was eating well, taking yoga and Pilates classes, guitar lessons, had a savings account and occasionally I bought some clothes and shoes. Post move, gone are the classes and I’m charging groceries on my credit card, which is fast approaching its limit. Hummmm. Wasn’t moving supposed to save me money? Didn’t work that way. Ah, I brought me along with the move. So, there’s something that I am “doing” that is not working, because I’m the only factor in the equation that has not changed.
Since I don’t know what it is that I’m doing wrong, I’m surrendering. I suspend action. Because in a quick review of my life- and I’m above average on the risk-taking scale- I find that I’ve never made a lot of money by working a lot. In fact, I worked 16 hours a day when I had one of my now failed businesses, and I got into more debt. But I didn’t have to “do” anything to find 200 dollars next to me on a bus seat one sunny afternoon returning from the beach (because hanging out at the beach is pretty much free and it feels good.) And I certainly didn’t do anything when I was overpaid at work last Christmas. Apparently no one wanted to admit they had “done” anything either, so I enjoyed an extra 500 dollars for the New Year. I recently lost out on a job I was working really hard to get as a direct result of losing that job, I was invited to record a CD (what is what I REALLY wanted anyhow.) All I had to “do” was take the offer. I’m utter unconvinced that “doing” anything is going to improve my situation. So, no more random “doing” until I understand what’s going on.
An Act of Vulnerability as Strength:
Yea, this is a damn vulnerable place to be at the moment. Because I don’t understand what’s going on at all. I feel like a bit of a freak- like I should just go out and scrub someone’s floors and suck it up like 95% of the world population that has much less material means than I. But at the same time, I think that just admitting that I don’t understand how I’ve gotten here is the smartest thing I’ve done in a while. I’m going to just be in this place of not knowing what comes next. I'm going to be vulnerable, show my soft side, my inability, and my ignorance. No point in trying to mask the truth and pretend. This is an ending. I wish to let it be just that. Die old ways. Die old life. Die and burn. I think the ashes can be of use for growing a tree. It’s gonna be a tree of dreams.
I Claim Failure and Baptize it Success!
Because if we’ve failed at one thing, it just means that we’re preparing ourselves to be really successful at another, right? And looking at things that way, I’m actually grateful that I woke up in tears this morning with the weight of my world of debt on my shoulders. Grateful because out of those very uncomfortable feelings, came a steadfast resolve to make something good of this. And I’d like to share some of my ideas with you. They might seem radical, but would you admit that what is normal and accepted is not working for me, for you or for the world at the moment? (See: BP Oil Spill, financial crisis, bankrupt financial institutions, foreclosures, record unemployment in the US, genocide and wars mostly over control of resources, increasing levels of debt even in countries where economies are growing, etc.) I won’t get into all of my personal beliefs about the larger transformations at hand as we are evolving consciously and spiritually as a species, as a planet, as a universe and galaxy, dimensional shifts, 2012, etc. There are lots of great sites on the web with much better information that I could even attempt to disseminate here. Instead, I’d like to use this blog to talk about some ideas I have on supporting each other through our failures and into our success. It’s not going to be like anything we’ve done before. We won’t be anything like we’ve been before. And, I feel like we’re going to really need to create community to get to where we all want to go- to our dreams, right?
A New Paradigm for Success
I was listening to a great seminar by Katherine Woodard Thomas and Claire Zammit last night via Skype. It’s part of the Feminine Power work that they are doing through courses, blogs, teleseminars and Facebook. Please don’t close the page, male readers. You too are part of the Feminine Power paradigm and it has nothing to do with your sexuality. Anyhow, they’ve got some really great ideas on why so many of us are “failing” (though they used more positive language) and frustrated. These ideas made sense to me. Maybe they will to you. And if you’d like to know more about their work, check out their sites:
http://femininepower.com/teleseminar/index.php
http://femininepower.com/blog/
We who claim failure are not slouches. We’re actually pretty powerful people. We’ve studied, we take risks, we’ve done a lot of work on ourselves, we work hard. We’re passionate about what we do, most of the time. Within the rules that were taught to us, we’ve done our best to construct full and successful lives. But many of us have not attained that goal. Some of us have attained that goal, but still feel frustrated, like there is something missing. And many of us feel unsupported- like there is just too much we have to do alone in order to get “there” (where?) And I, for one, am tired. Are you? I thought so.
“Just hold on, be patient”, is not an option for me, if it means more of this. I do not feel that my existence on the planet is an accident or random or inconsequential by any means. I bet you feel the same way about your existence. I came here to with a mission and purpose. It has nothing to do with how much money I’ll make or the status I’ll acquire. I’m a singer and I sing because I have to. It’s part of who I am. I proved that by doing everything except singing as a career for the past 2 decades. Then four years ago, I gave up. No more energy to run from my destiny, as unrealistic an unattainable as it seemed to be. And a funny thing happened. As soon as I started singing- all the doors opened. I am a singer. I sing for my supper and I’m not giving that up- ever. And it’s a good thing, because singing is something I really love to do. It comes like breathing. It is life for me in that way. And I know that singing is tied integrally to the reason why I’m on this planet. I do not believe that Divine Intelligence makes mistakes, nor that it randomly distributes talent without purpose. And that being, my dreams are mostly, integrally tied to singing and to my voice being of service to humanity and the evolution of our planet, species, universe, etc. What I’m getting at here is that I feel that the work I do is tied to a purpose that is bigger than me. In some way, my work is going to contribute something important, something loving, something beautiful, something necessary and something unique to this world. And I’ll be damned if I go to my grave without doing it. Don’t you feel the same way?
Well that’s what they were talking about in the teleseminar last night. There are oodles of us feeling this way. They spoke for the women, but I know there are men out there who are feeling just as frustrated and unsupported. And they suggested that we’ve reached the limits of where the current power structure and power paradigm can take us. That structure has been predominately masculine since the dawn of this recorded history (Sumer- about 5000 B.C. That’s enough time.) What does a masculine structure look like? It’s mostly action-oriented. It’s very much about the individual. It’s about doing and making things happen. It’s very polarized ie: for me to have, you can’t have, etc. I’m not male bashing here. We live in a universe of opposites, a universe of duality (this time around) up and down, light and dark. We use these polarities to define ourselves and all that we experience. It’s just how we understand things to be at this level of consciousness and within this paradigm. So, what if we swing things more towards the feminine? What does that look like? Well, within a male paradigm, it looks a little like failure. Feminine power is not so much about doing, acquiring, go out and hunt down the wooly mammoth and bring it back for dinner. Feminine power is more about the receiving, the allowing, attracting what we desire to us and then waiting... That’s not so easy – even for women. We don’t really know how to control things from that space. Good thing, because control doesn’t really exist. We just like to think it does… makes us feel less nervous.
What the !$*%(@)*@ ?
Sorry if this is sounding really radical, but remember what has always worked for us isn’t working anymore. We’re trailblazers. We’ve got to get O.K. with the unlikely and with the unknown. And therein another point that Katherine and Claire made. We mostly don’t know what it looks like to be in this new power paradigm. Who will we be? How will we be? It’s not a part of our current identity. It’s not part of who we see ourselves to be. Ah, ha! Walk with me here.. Here's an example from my life that you can identify with, maybe.
One of my dreams is to travel and live all over the world like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (I only want 4 kids though.) I really, really feel this dream is part of fulfilling my purpose on the planet. But I can’t see how I can make that happen in the rather small life I’m living at the moment. And my actions show that I identify with the small. Like tonight- I’ll take the bus to work and back, though that will require me to be on the streets of Sao Paulo, alone, at 3am. This is clearly not one of my best moves. Would Brad and Angelina be on a bus anywhere at 3 am? I bet it never entered their minds. But I am scared to pay for a taxi. What if I need that money for food tomorrow? Just writing this makes me cringe, but it’s a good example of something that many of us do. We don’t identify with the person we must to be in order to realize our dreams.
We cannot be, have, or do or more than we identify with. Can you imagine killing someone? No? That’s because it’s not part of your identity. And because of that, you probably couldn’t/wouldn’t even know what actions to take in order to kill someone. You’d do it all wrong. You’d get caught by the police or a security guard. Do you get where I’m heading here?
Failure’s Call
Failure is calling us to redefine ourselves. Failure calls us to let go of all definitions of self and be limitless, without boundaries. The place where our dreams call us is a place we can’t get to by the roads we already know. In fact, the roads to our dreams haven’t been built yet. The vehicles we want to use to get there are too slow. Even a Porsche is too slow. We’re going to have to build new vehicles, too. Failure is calling us to create a new language that will better express the poetry that we have to speak. Failure is calling us to grow wings so that we can move faster than our feet could ever carry us. Failure is calling us to access knowledge that is beyond what we know or understand consciously. And because most of us have no idea how to do or be any of this yet, doesn’t it make sense to come together and work on this collectively?
A Community of Failures
This is delicious effort we are being called forth to exert. This is about discovery, awakening, growing; there is no more failure in this place. And we won’t do it alone. We’ve mostly been trying to do everything alone and that’s another reason we’ve failed. We were never meant to do it alone. Would you imagine building a bridge alone? Is each or our individual lives any less grand a project? So, why do we try to do so much alone? That’s about to change.
What does community mean to you? I’m not sure what it means to me yet. I just moved out of a one bedroom apt. into a house with 7 other beings. That’s been a big stretch for me. I’m learning how to communicate at a whole different level. I don’t get to do everything my way or when I want to. Some things I don’t get to do at all. But then for some things I’ve got other people there to help me. If I ask. It’s hard for me to ask, but I’m learning. And I’m also learning it’s ok to say, “I don’t like this”, “This doesn’t feel good”, “I don’t agree”, “I’m scared”, “I don’t know how to do this, do you?” I think these things are all part of being in community. What was just about you isn’t just about you anymore. And on the other side of the coin, everyone is you. They’re going through the same things, perhaps in different ways. They are a mirror for you- they are showing you parts of your self that you couldn’t see objectively without them.
We form community in many ways now. I hope this blog will become a type of community. The house where I live is a community. My many dear friends who live all over the globe are my community too. Maybe community starts through little actions like giving a friend a ride, cooking together, crying on a friend’s shoulder, listening to someone tell you about their dreams or their failures. I don’t really know. Maybe you do.
I think it’s less important how we define community and more important that we allow ourselves to create them. And that within community, we allow ourselves to ask for help, to admit we don’t know, to authentically express what we feel and need. Within our communities we can surrender our beliefs and parts of our identity that are not bringing us success. We can be naked and vulnerable once we’ve let them go. And we can open ourselves to new beliefs and identities. Somehow through as a result of this, I think we’re going to grow those wings we’ll be needing.
The Road Ahead
Failure has brought us to a dead-end on this road. The road ahead hasn’t been laid yet. And that’s a good thing, because that means we can make the road ourselves. We can pave it with love, laughter, joy, support and caring. We can use our collective intelligence, power and being to lay the flagstones. We can build it to take us where we want to go- we decide! It doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to be a struggle. It doesn’t even have to be different from the roads we’ve already walked… except that we already know that we don’t want to go where those roads lead. So, let’s make our road different. Let’s make it different from any road we have ever seen before. Let’s make it the road to our dreams.
I’m a failure. You’re a failure. What now? You tell me….
Looking forward to hearing from you!
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