The Sweet Fruits of Frustration

An Act of Courage in an Admission of Failure:

I don’t know how to live successfully within the current western societal paradigm of success. You know… by 40 your supposed to be married, have several cars and homes, a certain value in your bank account, a career of stature, some kids- material and social stability. I don’t have any of that. That’s fine. I’ve done as much running up that hill, as I am willing do. I’m not afraid to admit it. I’ve failed. I’m done. Now, what’s next?

An Act of Resistance as Surrender:

I have no idea what comes next. I don’t know what more to do. Actually, I think that “doing” is what got me here You see, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life. I earn money, then create debt. I earn more money and then create more debt. I’m not going into debt acquiring those things that are supposed to make me successful. Actually my biggest debts have come from starting a business and moving. Like now- I just moved from living alone in my one-bedroom apartment to a house that I share with 4 other adults and 3 dogs. Before the move things were tight, but I was eating well, taking yoga and Pilates classes, guitar lessons, had a savings account and occasionally I bought some clothes and shoes. Post move, gone are the classes and I’m charging groceries on my credit card, which is fast approaching its limit. Hummmm. Wasn’t moving supposed to save me money? Didn’t work that way. Ah, I brought me along with the move. So, there’s something that I am “doing” that is not working, because I’m the only factor in the equation that has not changed.

Since I don’t know what it is that I’m doing wrong, I’m surrendering. I suspend action. Because in a quick review of my life- and I’m above average on the risk-taking scale- I find that I’ve never made a lot of money by working a lot. In fact, I worked 16 hours a day when I had one of my now failed businesses, and I got into more debt. But I didn’t have to “do” anything to find 200 dollars next to me on a bus seat one sunny afternoon returning from the beach (because hanging out at the beach is pretty much free and it feels good.) And I certainly didn’t do anything when I was overpaid at work last Christmas. Apparently no one wanted to admit they had “done” anything either, so I enjoyed an extra 500 dollars for the New Year. I recently lost out on a job I was working really hard to get as a direct result of losing that job, I was invited to record a CD (what is what I REALLY wanted anyhow.) All I had to “do” was take the offer. I’m utter unconvinced that “doing” anything is going to improve my situation. So, no more random “doing” until I understand what’s going on.

An Act of Vulnerability as Strength:

Yea, this is a damn vulnerable place to be at the moment. Because I don’t understand what’s going on at all. I feel like a bit of a freak- like I should just go out and scrub someone’s floors and suck it up like 95% of the world population that has much less material means than I. But at the same time, I think that just admitting that I don’t understand how I’ve gotten here is the smartest thing I’ve done in a while. I’m going to just be in this place of not knowing what comes next. I'm going to be vulnerable, show my soft side, my inability, and my ignorance. No point in trying to mask the truth and pretend. This is an ending. I wish to let it be just that. Die old ways. Die old life. Die and burn. I think the ashes can be of use for growing a tree. It’s gonna be a tree of dreams.

I Claim Failure and Baptize it Success!

Because if we’ve failed at one thing, it just means that we’re preparing ourselves to be really successful at another, right? And looking at things that way, I’m actually grateful that I woke up in tears this morning with the weight of my world of debt on my shoulders. Grateful because out of those very uncomfortable feelings, came a steadfast resolve to make something good of this. And I’d like to share some of my ideas with you. They might seem radical, but would you admit that what is normal and accepted is not working for me, for you or for the world at the moment? (See: BP Oil Spill, financial crisis, bankrupt financial institutions, foreclosures, record unemployment in the US, genocide and wars mostly over control of resources, increasing levels of debt even in countries where economies are growing, etc.) I won’t get into all of my personal beliefs about the larger transformations at hand as we are evolving consciously and spiritually as a species, as a planet, as a universe and galaxy, dimensional shifts, 2012, etc. There are lots of great sites on the web with much better information that I could even attempt to disseminate here. Instead, I’d like to use this blog to talk about some ideas I have on supporting each other through our failures and into our success. It’s not going to be like anything we’ve done before. We won’t be anything like we’ve been before. And, I feel like we’re going to really need to create community to get to where we all want to go- to our dreams, right?

A New Paradigm for Success

I was listening to a great seminar by Katherine Woodard Thomas and Claire Zammit last night via Skype. It’s part of the Feminine Power work that they are doing through courses, blogs, teleseminars and Facebook. Please don’t close the page, male readers. You too are part of the Feminine Power paradigm and it has nothing to do with your sexuality. Anyhow, they’ve got some really great ideas on why so many of us are “failing” (though they used more positive language) and frustrated. These ideas made sense to me. Maybe they will to you. And if you’d like to know more about their work, check out their sites:

http://femininepower.com/teleseminar/index.php
http://femininepower.com/blog/

We who claim failure are not slouches. We’re actually pretty powerful people. We’ve studied, we take risks, we’ve done a lot of work on ourselves, we work hard. We’re passionate about what we do, most of the time. Within the rules that were taught to us, we’ve done our best to construct full and successful lives. But many of us have not attained that goal. Some of us have attained that goal, but still feel frustrated, like there is something missing. And many of us feel unsupported- like there is just too much we have to do alone in order to get “there” (where?) And I, for one, am tired. Are you? I thought so.

“Just hold on, be patient”, is not an option for me, if it means more of this. I do not feel that my existence on the planet is an accident or random or inconsequential by any means. I bet you feel the same way about your existence. I came here to with a mission and purpose. It has nothing to do with how much money I’ll make or the status I’ll acquire. I’m a singer and I sing because I have to. It’s part of who I am. I proved that by doing everything except singing as a career for the past 2 decades. Then four years ago, I gave up. No more energy to run from my destiny, as unrealistic an unattainable as it seemed to be. And a funny thing happened. As soon as I started singing- all the doors opened. I am a singer. I sing for my supper and I’m not giving that up- ever. And it’s a good thing, because singing is something I really love to do. It comes like breathing. It is life for me in that way. And I know that singing is tied integrally to the reason why I’m on this planet. I do not believe that Divine Intelligence makes mistakes, nor that it randomly distributes talent without purpose. And that being, my dreams are mostly, integrally tied to singing and to my voice being of service to humanity and the evolution of our planet, species, universe, etc. What I’m getting at here is that I feel that the work I do is tied to a purpose that is bigger than me. In some way, my work is going to contribute something important, something loving, something beautiful, something necessary and something unique to this world. And I’ll be damned if I go to my grave without doing it. Don’t you feel the same way?

Well that’s what they were talking about in the teleseminar last night. There are oodles of us feeling this way. They spoke for the women, but I know there are men out there who are feeling just as frustrated and unsupported. And they suggested that we’ve reached the limits of where the current power structure and power paradigm can take us. That structure has been predominately masculine since the dawn of this recorded history (Sumer- about 5000 B.C. That’s enough time.) What does a masculine structure look like? It’s mostly action-oriented. It’s very much about the individual. It’s about doing and making things happen. It’s very polarized ie: for me to have, you can’t have, etc. I’m not male bashing here. We live in a universe of opposites, a universe of duality (this time around) up and down, light and dark. We use these polarities to define ourselves and all that we experience. It’s just how we understand things to be at this level of consciousness and within this paradigm. So, what if we swing things more towards the feminine? What does that look like? Well, within a male paradigm, it looks a little like failure. Feminine power is not so much about doing, acquiring, go out and hunt down the wooly mammoth and bring it back for dinner. Feminine power is more about the receiving, the allowing, attracting what we desire to us and then waiting... That’s not so easy – even for women. We don’t really know how to control things from that space. Good thing, because control doesn’t really exist. We just like to think it does… makes us feel less nervous.

What the !$*%(@)*@ ?

Sorry if this is sounding really radical, but remember what has always worked for us isn’t working anymore. We’re trailblazers. We’ve got to get O.K. with the unlikely and with the unknown. And therein another point that Katherine and Claire made. We mostly don’t know what it looks like to be in this new power paradigm. Who will we be? How will we be? It’s not a part of our current identity. It’s not part of who we see ourselves to be. Ah, ha! Walk with me here.. Here's an example from my life that you can identify with, maybe.

One of my dreams is to travel and live all over the world like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (I only want 4 kids though.) I really, really feel this dream is part of fulfilling my purpose on the planet. But I can’t see how I can make that happen in the rather small life I’m living at the moment. And my actions show that I identify with the small. Like tonight- I’ll take the bus to work and back, though that will require me to be on the streets of Sao Paulo, alone, at 3am. This is clearly not one of my best moves. Would Brad and Angelina be on a bus anywhere at 3 am? I bet it never entered their minds. But I am scared to pay for a taxi. What if I need that money for food tomorrow? Just writing this makes me cringe, but it’s a good example of something that many of us do. We don’t identify with the person we must to be in order to realize our dreams.

We cannot be, have, or do or more than we identify with. Can you imagine killing someone? No? That’s because it’s not part of your identity. And because of that, you probably couldn’t/wouldn’t even know what actions to take in order to kill someone. You’d do it all wrong. You’d get caught by the police or a security guard. Do you get where I’m heading here?

Failure’s Call

Failure is calling us to redefine ourselves. Failure calls us to let go of all definitions of self and be limitless, without boundaries. The place where our dreams call us is a place we can’t get to by the roads we already know. In fact, the roads to our dreams haven’t been built yet. The vehicles we want to use to get there are too slow. Even a Porsche is too slow. We’re going to have to build new vehicles, too. Failure is calling us to create a new language that will better express the poetry that we have to speak. Failure is calling us to grow wings so that we can move faster than our feet could ever carry us. Failure is calling us to access knowledge that is beyond what we know or understand consciously. And because most of us have no idea how to do or be any of this yet, doesn’t it make sense to come together and work on this collectively?

A Community of Failures

This is delicious effort we are being called forth to exert. This is about discovery, awakening, growing; there is no more failure in this place. And we won’t do it alone. We’ve mostly been trying to do everything alone and that’s another reason we’ve failed. We were never meant to do it alone. Would you imagine building a bridge alone? Is each or our individual lives any less grand a project? So, why do we try to do so much alone? That’s about to change.

What does community mean to you? I’m not sure what it means to me yet. I just moved out of a one bedroom apt. into a house with 7 other beings. That’s been a big stretch for me. I’m learning how to communicate at a whole different level. I don’t get to do everything my way or when I want to. Some things I don’t get to do at all. But then for some things I’ve got other people there to help me. If I ask. It’s hard for me to ask, but I’m learning. And I’m also learning it’s ok to say, “I don’t like this”, “This doesn’t feel good”, “I don’t agree”, “I’m scared”, “I don’t know how to do this, do you?” I think these things are all part of being in community. What was just about you isn’t just about you anymore. And on the other side of the coin, everyone is you. They’re going through the same things, perhaps in different ways. They are a mirror for you- they are showing you parts of your self that you couldn’t see objectively without them.

We form community in many ways now. I hope this blog will become a type of community. The house where I live is a community. My many dear friends who live all over the globe are my community too. Maybe community starts through little actions like giving a friend a ride, cooking together, crying on a friend’s shoulder, listening to someone tell you about their dreams or their failures. I don’t really know. Maybe you do.

I think it’s less important how we define community and more important that we allow ourselves to create them. And that within community, we allow ourselves to ask for help, to admit we don’t know, to authentically express what we feel and need. Within our communities we can surrender our beliefs and parts of our identity that are not bringing us success. We can be naked and vulnerable once we’ve let them go. And we can open ourselves to new beliefs and identities. Somehow through as a result of this, I think we’re going to grow those wings we’ll be needing.

The Road Ahead

Failure has brought us to a dead-end on this road. The road ahead hasn’t been laid yet. And that’s a good thing, because that means we can make the road ourselves. We can pave it with love, laughter, joy, support and caring. We can use our collective intelligence, power and being to lay the flagstones. We can build it to take us where we want to go- we decide! It doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to be a struggle. It doesn’t even have to be different from the roads we’ve already walked… except that we already know that we don’t want to go where those roads lead. So, let’s make our road different. Let’s make it different from any road we have ever seen before. Let’s make it the road to our dreams.

I’m a failure. You’re a failure. What now? You tell me….

Looking forward to hearing from you!