Sorry it's taken so long to do my second post. Being a Virgo, I was waiting for the perfect time to write it. After a month, I've finally realized that the perfect time is when there is time to write!
I want to thank everyone for supporting my public admission of failure and reminding me of all the things I've done that have been successful. You guys are amazing!!! I've had the most wonderful conversations, gotten back in touch with old friends and heard a lot of similar stories. I think the word "failure" has been re-appropriated for our purposes here on the blog. I no longer feel like it's a negative thing. I'll write more on that later, but now I'd like to share some of what was offered to me in e-mails/facebook, etc...
If you want to share your own feelings/opinions for our little community to read, please feel free to add a comment. How do you feel about failure? Are you a failure? (in whatever way you choose to interpret the word.) What do you have to say about that? I won't be editing anything. This is a free forum.
By the way, if you haven't read the first post which these comments are referring to, click on "The Sweet Fruits of my Frustration" in the column just to the right.
From DP.:
"Interesting reading your blog... but I have a point to make that has nothing to do with the male or female power paradigm.
I think what you are really saying is, "I don't make enough money."
That doesn't mean you're a failure, just means that singing - which you love - doesn't pay the bills. Only way round that is to get a day job as well, nothing something you maybe don't like quite as much.
I think this concept that not earning enough money constitutes failure is actually a luxury. In much of the world's poorer places, failure to make enough money (or grow enough food or whatever) signifies poverty, destitution, possibly death.
Of course there is the other side - being single and childless at 40 (or in my case, 45) - an increasingly common situation across the world ironized in hit movies like Bridget Jones and Sex and the City. Interesting thing here is that only women-driven (or marketed) movies/series/books like these are addressing the subject. Men, so far, have yet to respond in any way.
Let's catch up soon anyway and good luck with the blog, it's taken a lot of nerve"
From Lisa E.:
"Dearest, I commend you for your self-reflective critical thinking. But the failure word, it´s a harsh one and in your case especially I think should be bracketed with big quotation marks. You don´t have a fat bank account, you do have some debts. True. Do you have a shrewd capitalistic sense? Maybe not so much. But you are very accomplished in so many other ways. You started as a singer very, very recently and you already have landed regular paying gigs. That is impressive. You have a radio program. You are bilingual, well-traveled, sophisticated, gentle, good-hearted, idealistic.
I wrote a small post on your blog this morning but looked at the page again just now and it seems to have disappeared. Oh well. Apparently I am a failure at making blog posts!"
From Fatai A:
"All you need is a hug from me :-)"
From Vida L:
"Hello my sister!
Thanks for reaching out and sharing. I just finished reading your blog post. I wish we were together right now so I could just sit and talk with you for hours. I understand where you're at. I'm there too and have learned so much. The biggest thing I learned was to let go of all expectations. Easier said than done but quite easy once you really understand what it means. I'm in the process of redoing my life. I had to do it out of pure necessity at first and now I'm at a completely different place in my journey."
From my cousin Kim Sanders
The first and main thing I want to say, dear cuz is “Be good to yourself. Be patient with yourself”. Simple words, huh? Hard to do though. Someone told me this when I was beating myself up because I thought I was taking too long to grieve mom’s passing; I couldn’t understand why for a period I would seem fine and then it would start over again as fresh as before. I didn’t realize that this is the way grief works. So at one point I remembered her words and cut myself some slack. I pass them on to you.
When I saw your title I was a bit distressed, because YOU, my love, are no failure. I don’t think there is anyone living who hasn’t at some time felt the same as you: whether by circumstances, lack of drive or whatever. The feeling of failure comes to us all. That’s okay, what’s important is what are you going to do with that feeling? If I know you, you’ll use it as a spur to “damn it” fight harder for what you want. Maybe “success” won’t look as you envision it now, maybe it will, but one thing for sure – it will help you focus on what you want and what you want to pay for it. Perhaps this feeling is harder or more acute when one isn’t in one’s homeland. I’ve always said when I was living in England that it was the happiest time of my life and also one of the lowest points of my life. I was determined when I went there to become one of the greatest directors that Theatre had ever known. I would have to build a room to house all the Tonys I would win (insert chuckle here)! Well, what DID happen was that the British Government told me I had to leave because I didn’t have anything special to offer that would justify taking a job away from a British citizen. I was crushed! And mad!! And despondent!!! To a level I hate to think about. But do you know what I found in that “failure”? Family and friends who loved me, were glad to see me and happy that I was back in the States.
Don’t measure yourself by Society’s slide rule. The people doing the measuring don’t know what they want either. Believe me, everyone is searching, if not, there wouldn’t be so many gurus and pseudo-gurus and people more than happy to throw money at them. You know Jen, one evening a friend and I were comparing notes. We’ve known each other since we were 15. She seemed to have everything I wanted; a career she enjoyed, a marriage and a child. I discovered she wanted what I had – world travel, friends from all over the world, the knowledge that she could survive and thrive in another culture not her own and the confidence she saw in me. We both laughed when we discovered we were a little envious of each other’s lives and realized you really can’t have everything. Not even if you’re rich, because I’d be willing to bet there’s something they are searching for too.
You point at the fact that you’re 40 and don’t have the things/people Society says you should. I look at you from 52 and say I don’t have some of them either. And some of them I may not get, but as I go along I look at what I do have and the scales aren’t as disappointing as they were. I, like the majority of the world am scraping for every penny I make and some month’s still come up short. And it’s scary. But, I’ve learned to juggle finances and I bet you have too. I’ve started a new business of making decoupage items, photo memory quilts and handbags. This is a side line and I’m finding my way, with many starts and stops, but it’s so exciting and although I am far, far from where I want to be with it, I have that dream in the future of it being a success and that boosts me on. Is that what drives you when you sing? Don’t lose your creative soul, cuz, it’s invaluable. The other thing is the side business I’m doing has opened my soul to my writing again, so I’m working on my children’s stories. A passion I feared I’d lost when Mom died.
Ultimately, Jen, I guess what I’m saying is: be kind and gentle with yourself. What advice would you give a friend if she came to you with your doubts, worries and fears? Success doesn’t come easy for most people. And when it does sometimes there’s a bitter bill to pay – look at Michael Jackson. And if you need to take a couple of steps back to move ahead a different way, be open and willing to acknowledge you may need to do that.
I’m not speaking as someone who has all the answers, Lord knows I don’t. But, I’ve been down that road, still traveling it, as most of us are. I just have some experience under my belt and I willingly share it with you.
Much, much love cuz,
Kim
P.S. Can you feel my hug?
From Vanidevi
what i wanted to say is that the first thing that came into my mind when i read your blog was that there are too many choices in our life....for some people it is a positive aspect: they can easily change/adopt and switch to new situations, or they can easily take decisions. but for others (and i am one of those) it takes a lot of energy to stay focused on oneself, on our dreams. too many choices can lead to distraction and not everyone can handle this.
when i lose sight of my dream/goal or focus i withdraw myself, get tuned with my inner voice, meditate.
and i must admit that a pragmatic approach always helped me (with a dash of humour). when i lose my sense of humour, i really know that i am in deep trouble ;-)
From Annette
Hi Lady,
WOW is the word for your blog. I have been in the very same space and came to pretty much the same conclusion. I am in so icredibly frustrated and as I was reading your blog I felt your were saying all the things I have been feeling.
From Bo
Hey,
I just checked your blog - thanks!!!! for writing that stuff. I found it at a moment where it encaixou with a bunch of other stuff that I've been thinking about, reading, movies I watched, etc.
a friend just sent me this:
pretty interesting. then, I watched a semi-okay movie last night called "remember me" about a young fiery kid who falls in love with a girl, a fathers who have difficulty in expressing their feelings, and stuff that happens to rock their worlds and shake them out of their stuppor and onto realizing what's really important in their lives. the protagonist repeats a couple times in the movie that Gandhi once said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it.
-------
anyway, my gigs have been a bit of a challenge, which is connected to your post on your blog - it doesn't matter if people like what I do or if I'm "successful" .....it matters if I feel right about it. And, I do....but, not always. There are the gigs where the sound system is shit or there are people making requests and don't have any idea of what I'm doing or even that the majority of the music I play is my own production or that there is a story behind it. I feel strange about my music and work being "consumed" and discarded. I feel disillusioned by the hype. the hype that is really a form of stress that is itself dis-ease. And, the world is rampant with it right now. I need to look for a way to detach myself from that and just concentrate on my work. I'm not yet sure how, but I know that MY success - the results and actions and consequences that promote contentedness and ease - is not dependent on this hype. It is dependent on me being cool with the process and doing for the process. Because, really, in the end, it's of no consequence in the whole scheme of things. That's okay. I know you know what I'm talking about - you've said it in your post. So, we have to identify the things that promote health and well being and do those things. Simplify and focus and look for the answer from within, cause it's their and we all have access to it. But, to get there, you gotta dig. And, you gotta dig deep. And, that's the fun part. ;-) A friend of mine told me while I was going through all the shit with my visa and almost losing my apartment and everything that she loves those moments because they are signs that a personal revolution is happening. Stripping away what's not needed until what is essential remains. so, yeah, it's all about the search for the essential.
well, anyway, that's the short of the long of it. you got me thinking and I wanted to just share a few thoughts with you.
No comments:
Post a Comment